For the first time, LRob played the 1 April game. And for a first, I went all out! No fewer than 7 LinkedIn posts were planned throughout the day. With a logical sequence and cross-references between posts. For those who missed them, here are the posts in the order in which they appeared.
Contents
1. Norton Antivirus for WordPress
🦠🔒 [NEW] Norton Antivirus for WordPress - now installed by default on all sites in PHP 7.4 and below at LRob!
Because safety waits for no one, LRob is pushing the boundaries of innovation even further.
➡️ Today, we are proud to announce the exclusive integration of Norton Antivirus for WordPress on our hosting solutions to protect the most vintage sites.
💡 Thanks to this revolutionary technology :
- Each vintage site is scanned every 4 hours for Windows 95-type viruses. - If a threat is detected, Norton triggers a complete restart of the site to «get back on track» (this has always worked well with Internet boxes). - The visitor's screen may flash during the scan, to show that security is active.
🧽 Bonus: the plugin automatically installs a «Norton Safe Web» toolbar on the front-end of your site. So you can brag about your level of security at the coffee machine.
💬 Coming in 2027: «Norton Purge Cache Premium Edition», which empties your cache every time the server changes mood.
2. Your WordPress site's astro sign - Quantum technologies
🔮 NEW at LRob: discover the Astro sign of your WordPress site thanks to quantum technologies! 😱
After centuries of astral research (and a little incense), we are proud to launch AstroWeb™, our digital divination tool.
💫 Thanks to the quantum intertwining of your DNS and the vibrational alignment of your tags, we're now able to determine your website's star sign.
Examples of profiles: ♑ Capricorn: serious site, very structured, but never loads its fonts properly. ♐ Sagittarius: unstable theme, changes extension every month, loves sliders. ♋ Cancer: fills your database with never-before-published emotional drafts. ♈ Aries: attack in force with 14 popups at the entrance, without cookies or mercy.
🧘♂️ Bonus: depending on your ascendant (which depends on the server and time zone when you first go online), we'll suggest an SEO rebalancing plan based on the lunar cycles.
💻 The whole thing is of course powered by a quantum-vibrational algorithm coded in Fortran, powered by energy crystals and a Raspberry Pi energised by 8 Reiki sessions a day for 2^4 years.
🔥 Experimental test at LRob: smoke signal support in datacenter.
Innovation through low-tech at the customer's service. What could be better?
From now on, your preferred support can be contacted via directional smoke signals, emitted directly from our datacentres. 🏭🔥🔥
💨 Why this innovation?
- IPv6 compatible. - No need for email, tickets or online chat. - Eco-responsible (no bandwidth consumed). - Works even if the datacenter's air conditioning breaks down 🔥
The messages are then read, interpreted and relayed by our shaman sysadmin trained in elementary communication.
🚨 Tip: avoid messages that are too long, or you risk being mistaken for the start of a fire. (any resemblance to real-life situations is fortuitous)
4. Upgrading the infrastructure to Windows Server 2003
This post was the most successful ever, with almost 20,000 views on 4 April, and counting! As a little bonus, it was posted at 2.45pm, right on time for the screenshot. Fun fact: a young person called me to be recruited following this post (but I'm not hiring yet).
🖥️ Major upgrade of our infrastructure to Windows Server 2003 💾
To stay at the cutting edge of technology and security, LRob will today be migrating all its servers to Windows Server 2003.
🕗 Planned maintenance period: today between 8am and 6pm If you are absent, please give us your Yahoo address to which we can send the emails.
Why this bold choice?
✅ Optimal compatibility with COM port printers, for printing emails directly from the datacenter, and other developments also arriving today... (to be continued!) ✅ Say goodbye to SSH and hello to Windows Explorer and its beautiful modern interface, which is much easier to use on a server. ✅ Reconnecting with the real values of IT (Microsoft is better) ✅ Daily reboot, so that the servers wake up after yesterday's hangover ✅ A much lighter system thanks to the removal of unnecessary security features (we now have Norton on our vulnerable sites anyway!)
💡 Important: Please do not restart your 56k optical technology modem during migration. This is because a disconnection could trigger a BSOD (Blue Screen Of Delight™) on your website.
Services will resume as normal once Service Pack 2 has been found and installed somewhere on an old CD-R.
ℹ️ After migration, please note that Linux and Macintoch will no longer be supported. You'll have to use Internet Explorer 7 or lower to browse. So you can now uninstall Google Chrome and other technological excesses.
A small step for man, but a giant leap for Billou!
5. Eco-responsible emails... By La Poste (& Pigeon Express)
📬 A new eco-responsible policy at LRob: your e-mails will now be delivered... by La Poste (or pigeon express, depending on the urgency).
At LRob, we place the environment at the heart of our technological decisions. 🌿
That's why today we're announcing the complete migration of our email system to a more sustainable model - literally and figuratively. 🐔
🕊️ A real email migration, now carried out by migratory birds trained in the SMTP protocol, in partnership with La Poste.
🟢 Here's how it works:
- All your emails are printed directly in our datacentres, on COM port printers, made compatible thanks to our recent upgrade to Windows Server 2003 (a technological milestone).
- The paper is recycled from old quotes from unaccepted freelancers.
- The ink comes from printer cartridges that have been left in meeting rooms for at least two restructurings.
- Local delivery by La Poste, or bio-compostable carrier pigeon for urgent messages.
- Each pigeon is fitted with a Wi-Fi harness that is deactivated to save energy.
💡 In case of overload, our trainee will copy the emails by hand, using a recycled pen from an ex-dream catcher.
📦 SMTP and IMAP services will gradually be replaced by an innovative technology, IPD: Impression Papier Delay™.
Let's hope that this update will finally satisfy the most demanding deliverability customers. ☺️
📎 Revolution for WordPress users: Clippy finally lands in Gutenberg!
Because editing content can be... confusing, Matt Mullenweg (founder of WordPress) has decided to integrate a legendary wizard to guide you through the world of blocks.
➡️ From now on, Clippy will be an integral part of the Gutenberg editor, as a contextual overlay.
🧠 Thanks to a revolutionary AI, hidden by Microsoft since 1997 in Clippy's algorithm, it has been debugged and will now know :
- Guessing what you want to write before you even know yourself - Offer to insert a «Buy now» button on any existing paragraph - Automatically convert your H1 titles to Comic Sans for extra punch«
💬 «It looks like you're trying to write a blog post. Would you like to: 🔲 Delete everything? 🔲 Add 12 random emojis? 🔲 Switch to spirituality mode?»
⚠️ To avoid any errors, the «Close Clippy» option will only be available after you have correctly filled in a hieroglyphic captcha.
Builders beware! All this is really going to revolutionise your publishing via WordPress! 📎📎
The worst thing is that it can technically be done, and it's not that complicated. 🤣
🚧 New at LRob: sponsored error messages! Is your site unstable? -> Earn Eugros thanks to its quantum fluctuations! 🤑
The more unstable your site, the more you win! 💵💵💵 An allegory of capitalism on a smaller scale!
Bonus: You can also earn Eugros on blocked pirate requests! (see 403 errors, simulated 4K ultra HD image zoomed x4000 of the screen of a novice hacker recommended to buy sponsored training)
💡 Revolutionary AI technology hidden since 1997.
All error and maintenance pages are dynamically generated by CSAI™ (Contextual Sponsoring Artificial Intelligence™).
A technology that was well hidden in the Clippy algorithm by Microsoft in 1997 and that we managed to exploit thanks to the recent upgrade of our infrastructure to Windows Server 2003. 😎 It's exclusive to LRob - even Apple hasn't copied it yet!
ℹ️ Examples of active partnerships :
- Page “Site under construction” ➡️ Advertising for Bosch tools (to keep with the theme) - Error 500 ➡️ Promo on fire extinguishers and gas hobs - Error 403 ➡️ «Become an ethical hacker in 10 days» training course» - Migration in progress ➡️ “Moving boxes discount at Castorama” alert”
🧠 The whole thing is of course driven by an emotional ad placement AI, capable of detecting the user's state of mind based on all the cookies eaten by it.
🛠️ Bonus: If the visitor stays on the «Site under construction» page for more than 12 seconds, a «This site is under construction, but not your future» soundtrack will be played automatically.
💬 A great scientist once said «Only stupidity is stupid». This April 1st, we're reclaiming this saying: ▶️ Only ineffectiveness is effective!
PS: Look at the date. 😜 (That was the last post of the day, so I hope you've all had at least as much fun as I've had making them!)
As I said in the last post, I hope all this has made you smile!
I have to thank ChatGPT for the feat of coming up with some ideas, which I've modified quite a bit, to write the whole thing, with illustrative images, to plan posts all day, all in just 1.5 hours. Who knew AI was so good at generating nonsense? 😜
For real, crackling news, don't hesitate to visit the LRob blog and follow me on LinkedIn.
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